'Rejection Letters'

                                                             ‘Rejection Letters’
                                                                   Humor
                                                                      by
                         
                                                             Gene L. Gillette

                                                     (Copyright Gene L. Gillette)


Virtually everyone writes something: emails, letters to friends--- simple thank you notes. But there are those among us who write for a living: Some quite well known. However, there are prominent men and women, who are not writers who have on occasions, taken pen in hand. For all writers of fiction and non-fiction, famous and otherwise, a special kind of hell exists: Rejection Letters. These letters from editors and publishers are as common as Mormons in Utah:

Most are form letters, but sometimes the editor will write a personal note. We’ve spent years collecting (where possible) letters of rejection from around the world: We’ve included some letters addressed to well known writers, but the most interesting letters are the ones addressed to people who are prominent in areas other than writing. Here’s a sampling from our collection: Enjoy.

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Dear Mustafa Efendi:

Your manuscript, ‘Memoirs of a Suicide Bomber’ was read with great interest here at Insight. Thanks for shedding light on a unique way of life. We are accepting your manuscript, and your check will be forwarded to your next of kin.

Wish we could see more of your work.

Sincerely,
C. D. Ated
Insight.
New York, NY



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Dear Pope Benedict (Your Holiness):

Your Holiness, we want to assure you that your manuscript, ‘Parish Wars’, received the highest priority in our evaluation process. It was an honor that you considered our publication. As reluctant as we are to write you this personal refutation letter, we regretfully must do so. Unfortunately your manuscript has many characters and sub-plots that are identifiable, existing characters and plots from the Star Wars movies. (Just asking Your Holiness, have you ever seen the Star Wars movies?)

Your characters, Father Obi-Wan Kenobi and Sister Organa were mesmerizing, but filmmaker George Lucas has already used those names. Also, using the Death Star as a metaphor for The Christian Church would undoubtedly bring on an unwanted lawsuit. On the positive side, the comparison of Dan Brown to Darth Vader was a nice touch.

Thank you, your eminence for the privilege of reading your (otherwise) radiant work.

Sincerely,
Randolph Scott
Most Senior Editor
Majestic Publishing





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Dear Mr. Gotti:

Your manuscript, ‘Sex Behind Bars: A Behind the Scenes Probe’, was unusually well done, but we are snowed under with stories about sex. Poke is currently seeking stories that illustrate the positive character traits of inmates. (See ‘I Don’t Know Where the Knife Came From’ in our July issue.)

Sincerely,
Eric The Moose, Handleman, Editor
Poke Magazine



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Dear Ms. Pigeon:



Your story of a lesbian that joins a circus has some great moments, but having her marry the Bearded Lady is, in our opinion, unromantic (and frankly, somewhat disgusting). Unfortunately your story failed to deliver the romance our readers have come to expect from Short Hair Romance Novels



Kismet in placing your manuscript elsewhere.
Virginia Hill
Short Hair Romance Novels





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Dear Mr. Golden:

Your manuscript, ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ is not a bad piece of writing, but it’s very difficult for an American audience to Identify with Japanese culture. (Especially after what they did at Pearl Harbor.) So, finding no audience for your novel, we reluctantly must turn it down.



Good luck,
Chris Middleman,
No Clue Novels



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Dear Mr. Wittenberg:

Thank you for your submission.

Yesterday was quite a day for us. Four of us who read material were going through manuscripts, when suddenly Helen, our senior reader, burst into laughter. (This is unusual because Helen rarely even smiles.) She laughed so hard; tears were streaming down her cheeks. We knew she was reacting to the manuscript she was reading. (We won’t keep you in suspense. It was yours.)

Bill, who was closest to Helen, reached over and took the manuscript. He was only a sentence or two in when he too burst into laughter---laughter so loud it caused Joyce and myself to join them. As we read your manuscript, we could not help but join in the hysterical laughter. Frankly, our sides were splitting from your most cleverly disguised story. It was extremely subtle. Everyone agreed it was the funniest thing that we had ever read.

Then, somehow, it dawned on us---we had made a terrible mistake. Your manuscript was not a comedy, but rather a serious work. You could hear a pin drop. Silently we all went back to work---embarrassed and humbled.

Thanks for sending us ‘The Day my Wife was Eaten by a Shark’ (Sorry)

Gordon Chase
3rd Reader
The Story Magazine



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Dear Jesus:

Your manuscript, ‘They Let Me Down”, is a brilliant work. We would like to publish the novel. (We took note of your request to publish using only your first name---hence our informal salutation to you. And to state the obvious, your name alone makes the novel most marketable.)

There are some areas that need work. The list is not long, and we can discuss the problem areas when you appear in New York, but for now here are two areas you might be thinking about. We need to rethink The Last Supper. You write that it was catered by a local delicatessen. We think the source of the meal should be left a mystery.

And lastly, your chapter that describes the fellow that was on the cross next to you---the one that has a book deal with Random House?--That’s a problem.

Looking forward to your appearance.

Adam Neve

Senior Editor
Christian History Publications





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Well that’s our collection, and to be fair, we should add our own rejection letter as a cap to this piece. So, as we say goodbye to you (this is not a rejection on our part), here is that letter.



Dear Mr. Gillette:



We normally send a form rejection letter, but in your case we felt compelled to write you a personal note. To say that we did not like your work is an understatement: It’s somewhat like saying; ‘some people were not fond of Nazi concentration camps’.


Also the work is not formatted properly. We wouldn’t read Ernest Hemmingway if it wasn’t formatted properly. (The Senior Editor might sneak a peek.)

Lastly, you have managed to offend everyone in our office. Have you ever heard the term ‘Politically Correct’? We suspect not. The writing itself is humdrum, irreverent and reeks of swamp gas. (Some of the punctuation was okay.)

Please don’t send us any more material.



Sincerely,

Niles Wadsworth
Senior Editor
Superior Publishing